Clutching
I’ve been meaning to write for weeks. So much has happened, and I don’t know where to start. I’ve been listening to Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” on repeat. Inexplicably, the lyrics bring me to tears: “You got a fast car. I want a ticket to anywhere. Maybe we make a deal. Maybe together we can get somewhere. Any place is better. Starting from zero got nothing to lose. Maybe we’ll make something. But me myself I got nothing to prove.”
I leave London in a matter of weeks. In most ways, I’m excited to return to the US. I’m looking forward to seeing my friends, to starting grad school, to finally feeling at home. And yet, some part of me wonders what will become of the memories once I leave this place. Despite periods of loneliness and self-doubt — or perhaps because of them — I credit this year with teaching me to be more truthful with myself and less afraid of failure.
I think that it’s hard for many of us to admit that it’s natural to seek external validation. We want to be told that the things we value are as true for others as they are for ourselves. I have come to believe that I will likely always be bound — to some extent — by a need to be loved and understood. And yet, my experiences this year have helped me understand the worth of my own convictions, even as I subject them to constant scrutiny and questioning.
Edinburgh, site of the Fulbright End Cap conference. More photos here.
